Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
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