I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Girls gone wild is like the hills, except sexy and it doesnt suck
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize