I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
ttyl tear gas
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
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