Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
Randomize
