I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
