We were chasing that deer in the quad and next thing I remember I woke up in my RAs bed. I'm probably in trouble.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
