I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
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