you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
