New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
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