I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
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