Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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