In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
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