No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
