Well apparently he's into motor boating.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
