Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
