I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
Randomize
