ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
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