conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
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