Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
