How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
Good cause the way I see it, we are down to DAYS left of college so we should have as much naked fun as possible. And Jenga really facilitates that.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
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