birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
I've come to the conclusion, I should prob have at least 20 hr supervision. I would say 24, but I'm guaranteed to pass out for at least 4 hrs a day
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Randomize