mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
Randomize
