im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
i didnt know what to say other then wrong hole.....after that the moment was ruined.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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