Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
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