hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
