He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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