My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
Randomize
