last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
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