Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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