i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
