Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
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