Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
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