I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
