Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
