So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
