Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
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