I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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