he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
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