Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Randomize
