Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
