I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
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