I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
Randomize