im about as happy as oj after his trial
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
