Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
Randomize
