Apparently you make a good broom.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
Randomize
