She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
Randomize
