i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
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