even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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