Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
