I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
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