8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
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