So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
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