I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
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